The Thin White Duke and The Spiders from Mars or, Blackstar Rising
by iamleo
Summary: The Thin White Duke takes the King of Mars hostage - Finn, Jake, and the King of Ooo have to save him.


"The Thin White Duke and the Spiders from Mars; or, Blackstar Rising"

The sky above Mars is filled with stars. Three young Martian boys, lavender-skinned and dreamy-eyed look up. They revel in the light. They remember a tale of the banished Duke – long ago cast from Mars by its King. The particulars of this expulsion is lost to time, as is his true name. The younger two draw on the ground first a circle (six feet in diameter), then an intersecting lightning bolt – marking the outlines of each with the blood of Martian spiders and crushed diamond. The oldest pulls an old and neglected tablet out of his sack; he calls to the others to stand around their handiwork and to issue the incantation written:

" _If you wish for a Blackstar_

 _Doesn't matter near or far_

 _As the Duke is your desire_

 _He'll come to you…_ "

The stars realign. No more are they in their resolute blanket across the sky – in the natural and predetermined order. The boys shudder as the stars move to form the outline of a star; the center is left black. Over their arcane figure falls the silhouette of the Blackstar – blacker than black. It carves a hole six feet deep. The impact knocks the three boys back and they tremble in fear, they did not know that the .After a while, this effect subsides; the stars return to their preordained positions and all is still. In the hole, kneeling, with his head down is a tall, thin, and remarkably pale man. As one of the boys crawls up to the hole to peer inside all he sees is the man's hunched over body. The back of his head is covered in bright red hair, his spine distended under pale, white skin. As he looks up the boy sees his eyes – one pupil larger than the other. The Duke leaps out of the pit past the boy and lands some twenty-odd feet past the three. The oldest boy shouts, "You were supposed to be a myth! A bedtime story to scare little kids into following Abraham Lincoln!"

"'Supposed to' is such a funny idea, isn't it? A man is 'supposed to' eat at least once every three weeks; it's been a little longer than that, and I'm hungry," The Duke said as he stalked towards the boys.

In their treehouse, Finn and Jake were intruded upon by the (former) King of Ooo, now since reverted to his truer, waxy form.

"C'mon Koo, you know you're supposed to be at least fifty feet from the treehouse at all times," said Jake. Candy Kingdom law is a tricky practice, but Finn and Jake managed to get a restraining order against the former King since his resignation of the throne, as a safety precaution.

"Yeah dude, we just want to relax and play with BMO: no stress, no mess," Finn added.

The King of Ooo pushed on, "Boys, you know I wouldn't intrude unless I was in dire straits! Crunchy took my Kingdom from me! Then Starchy took it from him! And then I think the Banana-guards had it for a while? And then Starchy got it back? Irregardless, I need my knights to find me a new kingdom!"

"Cram it, Koo!" interrupted Jake, "We don't work for you no more."

"Is also 'regardless' not 'irregardless,' even I, a simple BMO, know this," shot BMO.

"Jake the Dog, Finn the Whatever, you both signed on to be my knights for life," the King continued, "I even cut you guys some slack, see I'm not making you wear the uniforms anymore, real step up, right? Oh, and silly robot there, I use 'irregardless' to appeal to the common people – I am a democratically elected official after all."

"I killed a person before I'll do it again," said BMO under his breath. No one heard, but BMO did feel better. But then BMO remembered what his brother looked like at the bottom of that cliff. Nobody noticed when BMO skulked off to take a nap.

As Jake, Finn, and the King of Ooo continued arguing, an eagle flew in. The eagle, not wanting to be ignored, called out to them with a KAW. Unfortunately, he was not heard over the arguing trio. "Hey listen up!" He yelled louder. The three turned around to see the rather large bird perched in the window.

Confused, Finn responded, "Hey man, er bird, Mr. Birdman, we're kinda in the middle of something, so if you could wait a sec-"

"Look, I just came here to tell you the King of Mars, Abraham Lincoln, is in trouble. And the last time I checked, you two chuckleheads owe him one. Now if you'd be so kind, please hop on my back and we can go to Mars to square away your debts."

Finn and Jake look at each other confused and shrug their shoulders, "I guess we can use this as an opportunity to get away from Koo," said Jake.

"Not so fast! You said the King of Mars was in trouble, this means that there could be a new kingdom that needs my ruling expertise! C'mon, let me come… please? If I come, then everyone gets their way!" complained the King of Ooo.

"Great, it's settled then, everyone get on my back," said the eagle.

Before Jake or Finn could protest the eagle picked up each of the three with his beak, dropped them on his back and flew off towards Mars.

After screaming for a few minutes, Finn asked, "Hey eagle, how are long is this going to take?"

"Oh, just long enough for me to deliver this basic exposition. The King of Mars long ago banished his only rival on Mars and possibly the Universe, The Thin White Duke using the Wand of Disbursement. He used the Wand to send the consciousness of his rival into deep space – and exiled him to the outer cosmos devoid of corporal form and stuff. I get kinda fuzzy on the details. The important thing is that The Thin White Duke is back, ate a buncha peeps, and kidnapped the King of Mars," answered the eagle.

"Why can't the King of Mars just magic his way outta there?" asked Jake.

The eagle said, "Well, first is because The Thin White Duke is, like, extra magic – and second is because Abe gave up a lot of himself to get you back from the 37th Dead World. You're welcome, by the way."

"Oh yeah, I guess that junk would take a lot out of him," said Jake, "but that was his fault to begin with."

"Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles, I am feeling very still, and I think this bird knows which way to go," crooned the King of Ooo, "Tell my wife I love her very much."

"She knows!" snapped Jake. "Oh glob, what's happening?"

"That means we're close, The Thin White Duke is a being full of old magic, of song and verse; he is the Blackstar, and he is very powerful," urged the eagle.

"And I think my spaceship knows which way to go!" Yelled the King of Ooo as he pulled hard on the eagle's feathers. The eagle screamed in pain as he flew headlong into the dusty surface of Mars.

"I hope you guys are ok, I cushioned the impact with my body," said the eagle, "let's see what the damage is… yep, wing broken, other wing broken, most bones broken, legs feel broken. Let's see… yeah, can't walk. Looks like you guys are on your own for now, I'll just wait here for a doctor or something, The Thin White Duke should be somewhere over there in those mountains."

"You mean the really evil, scary looking ones?" asked Finn.

"Yeah, those. You should get goin'."

Finn, Jake, and the King of Ooo started walking towards the mountains. "Hey guys, sorry about crashing that big bird, I don't know what came over me…" said the King of Ooo.

"Hey man, don't sweat it," Finn said, "you were just a slave of the music; even Jake got caught up in it for a second."

"Yeah, heh, I did. What was that song anyway, felt kinda groovy and far out," said Jake.

"Well, we are on Mars," Finn joked.

"That was lame, dude, and you know it," shot Jake.

"Yeah, maybe a little. Hope Mr. Birdman is ok."

 **End of Act One**


End file.
